I’ve been on some pretty terrible first dates, some of them even doubled as vivid embarrassments. One gentleman took me to a classy restaurant where dinner cost more than my monthly student loan payment. I wore a pantsuit and visible mismatched socks. He searched the menu for an appetizer without nuts or shellfish, mentioned something about an allergic reaction. Thirty-five dollar appetizer arrives and is piled high with shrimp and almonds. It was too expensive to waste so I ate it all. I ate it all while he watched and talked about Freud. It was mortifying. I remember chewing as fast as I could. One time I was so nervous I accidentally called my date “mom.”
I never devoted energy into racking up a list of dating deal breakers; I’d rather make sure we have similar life goals and aspirations. However, here are 5 ways to guarantee our first date is also the only date:
1. Catch Phrases. “”Who’s Da Man” or “Woah Dude” to name two. -100 points if the phrase is also a tattoo. -1000 if it’s decaled on their white minivan.
2. Enjoying Nickelback. Or bringing up Miley Cyrus. I feel like that fits in here as well.
3. Admitting to posting a missed connection ad on Craigslist. Guilty.
4. Using your Mensa membership as a launching point for all conversations. I get it, it’s the only part of you that’s interesting.
5. Eating off of my plate. That’s just weird.
Another Shade of Purple 